I was a child once. And I wish I was there for the little me.
At a very young age, unknowingly I remember engaging into promiscuous activities.
I was sexually promiscuous at such a young age.
And I had several contact with others kids, both boys and girls.
I remember seeing sexual scenes, that the adults around me were watching and doing.
And little did I know, how it affect my little mind.
And this was the darkest part of my childhood, I’ve never told anybody and that I am always afraid to go back to.
As I entered early adolescence, my younger girl cousin and I did it.
I don’t know why or what get into me….. I just remember doing it…
Have I been molested when I was young?
No. I definitely do not remember being molested.
Although I remember the adults who were supposed to guide me, were the ones being irresponsible and perhaps unknowingly mislead me.
Although I never had any contact since then to anyone.
Somehow, this promiscuity never seemed to leave me.
As a young adolescent, I was spending much of my time watching sexual scenes usually on TV and sometimes on the internet. Had even engaged with promiscuous sexual texting.
And M**********N. Something I am not proud of.
Something I am constantly battling about.
Something I am continuously praying to acclaim victory and freedom….
Lately been watching lesbians kissing and making out….
What started out unknowingly during my early childhood days are now slowly consuming me and destroying me.
I am still guilty of this things even when I went to college..
But when I started my college years in a Christian university, my life changed 360 degrees…
It was then that I was awaked by the negative effect this habit is causing me.
It was then that I started doing something about it…
I wanted it to stop, I wanted to be free from it..
But when I found myself alone, and with internet, or with TV, no matter how I tell myself not to expose myself to this,but still have this thinking I can handle this…. but then I end up doing it…and feeling really hopeless after.
And now the guilt and after-hopelessness-feels it gives me after realising I get into it again – is giving me tremendous anxiety, guilt and shame.
I am not proud about this portion of my childhood.
I wish I have known what I know now.
I wish “they” were there for me close enough to guide and teach me.
Now that I’m an adult, I’ve grown into a conservative and reserved person..
and purity and chastity is what I am always after.
I wish I could regain back my innocence… and go back to time.
But then I can’t.
I started the year of 2017, all clean but ended up messing it this pass few months.
But I am thankful that I began my -Ber Months happily and free from such guilt all thru God’s grace.
It is always my prayer to remain obedient in the teachings of The Lord and to be pleasing in His eyes, NOW AND FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE.
Now I am going through sexual confusion.
Somehow, I am sexually attracted to naked girls than boys.
But then again, I want to have a family someday…
Get married. And found the man God made for me.
To my younger self:
I’m sorry I wasn’t there to tell you the right thing you should have done.
But know that God won’t get you through something you cannot handle.
I know it doesn’t make sense why of all the young girls it was you who have to go through all that….
And i don’t know what to say anymore, since i don’t hold the future, I don’t know what’s certain for you.
Although I know you long to live a life, being a woman of virtue, to become a good mother and wife.
If I give in to this thoughts of being attracted to girls, getting into a relationship with a girl, what would my family say, what would the people who know me would say?
What if I’m really a TOMBOY?
What if I got married and have kids but is secretly having attraction with other girls?
I am attracted to girls.
Am I really?
Or am I just under the influence of my pass? Or loneliness?
If I’m gonna be a tomboy, I hope I will no longer get myself into selfish act of love.
I don’t know anymore.
People see me as this sweet and quiet girl.
Prayerful and sometimes an introvert type.
What would they say if I actually told them I’m a homosexual.
Becasue it sounds disgusting.
I am just a girl who is sexually attracted to naked girls than with naked man.
But I don’t wanna be a girl who is occupied with promiscuous thoughts.
No matter who I am.
I want to have a mind with Godly and pleasing thoughts.
A mind and heart with respect to my body amd others.
Why am I telling you this things?
First, somehow I want to let it out of my system and hopefully connect to others who feel they are alone in this battle.
Second, to the adults with younger siblings or family members.. please be responsible with the things you are saying and doing infront of the children.
To my wounded self (&other souls out there) :
I want you to know how proud I am with you, for sharing your stories to the universe.
Pray without ceasing and continually ask for God’s guidance and instructions.
Live in your present.
God saves, just as He did to my barren and lifeless life.
I grow up seeing my dad constantly abuse my mom verbally and emotionally.
One night my mom and dad had an argument, my dad was riding a motorcycle, with my mom and my I think 4 or 5 years old self on the back seat, and he started riding really, really fast like he didnt cared if I was there. We even went pass far away our house.
I would sometimes see my uncles and sometimes my dad, watching pornographic movies. He keeps alot of those CD hidden.
One night, I saw my uncle and this lady, disgustingly making out behind the door.
My mom had to work hard to meet our needs. But sometimes, as Ive noticed from her now that I’m an adult, I think she was didn’t really watched over as well.
So please don’t judge me.
This was not the kind of childhood I want for myself.
I’ve been battling with my negative habits. That started when I was young.
It makes me feel hopeless everytime I am tempted and found myself doing it again.
I am suffocated by intense guilt and shame.
I feel worthless, yet worthy of all the pains in life from others meaness.
Please pray for me because now and for as long as I live…It is my heart’s desire to be an honest, pleasant and obedient woman to the words of the Lord, behind and infront of others. .
To be free from guilt. And to live simply and happily obeying the teachings of God.
My virginity was something special for me.
I value it, but I cannot bring it back…
If only my 5 years old-broken and-unguided-self knew.
To be honest, that is the most difficult thing to go through.
I cannot believe how I manage to get through it.
But really it was not of my own doing, but that of God’s grace and mercy.
**to be continued*